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The Poker joke thread

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The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Thu Nov 06, 2014 4:53 pm

Indecent Proposal:

Two couples got together to play some cards. Before the game started one of the players, named John, got up to go to the bathroom. On his way to the bathroom he passed by the bedroom and accidentally saw Bill�s wife changing. His faced turned beat red, he quickly said excuse me and continued on to the bathroom. Later, after the game was over, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked?"

John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom together. When they were finished John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."


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Re: The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Thu Nov 06, 2014 4:54 pm

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five players stand up.
Roberts looks around and asks, “Who is going to tell the wife?”
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.
“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door. Smith’s wife answers and asks what he wants.
Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”
Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.”


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Re: The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Thu Nov 06, 2014 4:57 pm

5 Signs You Might Have A Poker Addiction...

You can stack $10.00 worth of quarters into 8 perfect stacks of 5 quarters each in three seconds flat
You yell, "Ship it!" at the ATM when you withdraw cash.
You use the phrase "bad beat" when lending a sympathetic ear to a friend.
Your kids are named Check and Raise
You are having such a bad day at hold 'em that you decide to take a break... and play Omaha


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Re: The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Thu Nov 06, 2014 4:58 pm

You Know You're Running Bad When...

The guy next to you keeps telling you where the ATM is
You order a cheese sandwich at $1.10, and by the time the waitress brings it, you can't pay for it.
When you start cussing out someone for calling your pre-flop raise with JQ (suited)
The only things you say all night are ‘Nice hand’, ‘Well played’ and ‘Chips’!
The nice little old lady with the big pile of (your) chips in front of her inquires if you play here often.


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Re: The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Thu Nov 06, 2014 4:58 pm

The rabbi, a minister and a priest.

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police came with his dog to raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: 'Father Murphy, were you gambling?'

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, 'Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.' To the police officer, he then says, 'No, officer, I was not gambling.'

The officer then asks the minister: 'Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?'

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, 'No, officer, I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: 'Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?'

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: 'With whom?'


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Re: The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Thu Nov 06, 2014 4:59 pm

Silent Tommy

Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence.

'Tommy,' said his teacher. 'I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half.'
Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, 'You lose.'


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Re: The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Thu Nov 06, 2014 5:01 pm

Husband's losing rent money
'That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,' the housewife told a neighbor.

'You didn't do it, did you?'

'I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!


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Re: The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Thu Nov 06, 2014 5:01 pm

Kids Play Poker Too

The milkman walks up to number 36, and as he passes the window he looks in and sees a group of young boys drinking bourbon and playing poker for what looks like huge stakes.

He rings the bell and a 6 year old boy answers with cards in his hand and a cigar in his mouth...

The milkman asks, 'Are your parents in?'

The boy replies, "WHAT DO YOU F$@%*NG THINK?"


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Re: The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Thu Nov 06, 2014 5:02 pm

Blondie Plays Poker

Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen?

french fries to a poker game?

Someone told her to bring her own chips.


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Re: The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Thu Nov 06, 2014 5:03 pm

Vampires playing poker

What do vampires play poker for?

'High stakes'.


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Re: The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Mon Nov 17, 2014 2:22 am

Q: What did the dealer say to the deck of cards?
A: "I can’t deal with you anymore."


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Re: The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Mon Nov 17, 2014 2:23 am

Q: What do craps dealers eat for dessert?
 A: Dice pudding. source:


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Re: The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Mon Nov 17, 2014 2:23 am

Q: How's a casino like a good woman?
A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back!


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Re: The Poker joke thread

Post by jock2007 on Mon Nov 17, 2014 2:24 am

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright Poker is like sex - everyone thinks they're the best,
 but most people don't have a clue what they're doing. Dutch Boyd If you're playing
a poker game and look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you
 Paul Newman. When a man with money meets a man with experience, the man with experience leaves with money and the man with money leaves with experience.
 ME Trust everyone, but always cut the cards. Benny Binion


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